Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
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HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
when u come home smelling like another dog
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”