Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
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When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.