Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
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I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Y’all know who you are.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
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