a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
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A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.