I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
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Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”