What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
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me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Oh deer
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
ok hear me out: Luigiana
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER