[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
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(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices