Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
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Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.