Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
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friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
TODAY
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.