“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
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My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.