They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
You Might Also Like
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
pictures of spider-man
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
“you recording!?”
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet