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From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
Still my favorite headline of all time:
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.