So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 馃拃
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
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OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 馃構
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
You can鈥檛 embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
My dog ate my work from home.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That鈥檚 stupid; don鈥檛 do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
We weren鈥檛 going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Jurassic park gets weird
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I triple waxed for this?
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
[Date]
Her: you鈥檙e a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It鈥檚 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I鈥檓 not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it鈥檚 3:75
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Today is the one day I don鈥檛 get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.