There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
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it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.