Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
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[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron