I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
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Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
sistine chapel
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Still laughing at this stupid meme
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?