[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
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My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Cow it started Cow it’s going
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.