“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
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Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.