*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
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alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
This 4th of July, please remember…
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.