Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
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“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.