[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
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“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*