Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
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*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.