this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
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[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.