“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
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Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
set yourself free xox
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.