You Might Also Like
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Worth a try
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger