*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
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I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Favourite diary entry ever
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Google Pay be like:
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.