Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
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Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me