Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
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Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Duolingo getting serious.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.