6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
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*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
#damn
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”