son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
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Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.