My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
You Might Also Like
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.