I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
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Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
life finds a way
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD