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An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
What
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot