“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
You Might Also Like
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶