I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
You Might Also Like
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
That’s what I call a flat tire
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.