[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
You Might Also Like
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
when revenge coincides with naptime
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”