βDid he just do that by himself?β πΉ π π
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I bet
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
4 am is a useless time. You canβt fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When Iβm president, weβll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isnβt she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Iβve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
ππ¨πΌ
Just watched a guy smell his debit cardβ¦.I have some questions.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”