if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
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So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
any last words?
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.