If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
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Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.