Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
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I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.