Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
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White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
So, can we agree on 4 or
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then