Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
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Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”