I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
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Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.