Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
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Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?