You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
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Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!