What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
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In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
All. The. Damn. Time.
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
How did we not see this back then?
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18