*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
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Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I just tested negative for patience.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.