[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
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[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
This could be us, but you weedin’.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.