DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
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Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?