robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
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*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
I am crying
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home